Mark A. Yarhouse and James N. Sells

Inter Varsity Press, 2008

Written for students, therapists, and pastors, the textbook Family Therapies is designed to provide intelligent content about psychotherapy topics, while not losing readers with less clinical inclinations. The book accomplishes this goal.

Students reading the textbook will receive an ample review of major family therapy models, while counselors will benefit from the more nuanced clinical insights of the authors, such as the “respect commitment,” a concept that can be implemented during times of family stress or crisis. According to the authors: 

The respect commitment is a pledge to not provoke secondary crisis through acts or attitudes that are known to cause additional pain for other family members. For example, a family member might sooth their pain by stopping at a sports bar after work and watching a NASCAR race and drinking a beer, or walking alone in the woods [for two hours] before coming home…Or an adolescent might choose to spend $400 of his or her money saved for college on clothes or stereo equipment—impulsively, without consultation with a parent. The respect commitment says that for the time being each member will respect others by not engaging in behaviors that are within your “individual right” but are also known to be potentially incendiary (p. 320).

Ideas like this one are scattered throughout the text like so many chocolate espresso beans in my trail mix. And like those beans, they have helped me to think sharply about new techniques that could work with current clients, and brainstorm new ways of approaching therapy with future ones.

While a textbook by definition, it is conversational enough to read straight through. Granted, 500 pages will take you a while, so you may want to start with the family therapy models in which you have interest. The text surveys major family therapy models including:

·         Bowenian Family Therapy

·         Strategic Family Therapy

·         Structural Family Therapy

·         Psychodynamic Family Therapy

·         Contextual Family Therapy

·         Experiential Family Therapy

·         Solution-Focused Family Therapy

·         Cognitive-Behavioral Family Therapy

·         Narrative Family Therapy

In the second half of the book, Yarhouse and Sells take a topic-based approach and address a selection of family therapy issues including crisis and trauma, marital conflict, and substance abuse.

Bottom Line

This is not a ground breaking study, a Yalom page-turner, or a self-improvement must-read. But it is an unusually well written textbook. It’s a good choice if you’re a therapist or counseling pastor looking for a serious guide to Christian family therapy.  

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Can My Marriage be Saved?

True Stories of Saved Marriages

Mae Chambers and Ericka Chambers

 Pass it On Publications, 2008

Mae and Ericka Chambers are an unlikely duo to write a marriage book. Or are they? This blue grass singing, guitar playing, mother-daughter duet doesn’t have any training in marriage and family therapy, but what they do have is real life experience.

Mae Chambers’ marriage had problems from the Opening Bell, and by its 7^th year, the stock was at an all time low. Three out of four counselors said it was time to sell. Mae writes,

“The first three counselors, after hearing of John’s re-involvement with drugs and alcohol, his raging verbal abuse, and his adamant refusal to seek help, all advised me to go along with the divorce…But I simply couldn’t accept their conclusion…so I found myself in yet another counselor’s office…she [the fourth therapist] challenged me to go home, get alone with God, and honestly ask Him to show me what I had done to cause problems in my marriage. My face flushed with anger, but I held my tongue. Obviously she had missed the fact that I was a victim in this mess of a marriage. John was the guilty one.

While John was obviously out of control, Mae began see subtler ways she had contributed to the marital mess. She sought forgiveness and then, as she describes it, began to “stand for her marriage” by remaining faithful to a prodigal husband. In time, her marriage improved.

Real Marital Problems

The book, Can My Marriage be Saved?, is a collection of 22 auto-biographical accounts of severely troubled marriages that survived. The problems are severe, and true to life: cheating husbands, cheating wives, a spectrum of verbal and physical abuse. Some couples describe being estranged for years before reconciliation. Warning, Disney boycotters: its sex, drugs, and blue grass.

He Said, She Said

In each story, the spouses take turns writing from their own point of view. This provides good perspective, though the frequent changing of literary voice can damage a story’s flow—and it gives me a migraine. Still, the drama is a page-turner, and the narrative is far superior to the anonymous vignettes typical for a marital help book.

Real Marriage Solutions

How do you save a marriage? In the book, some couples used therapy, many used prayer, and all had a unique path to healing. Consider this excerpt from the story of Gary and Mona,

…the counselor had suggested I read a book on codependency. I had almost laughed out loud…I remember looking at him and saying, “You think I’m codependent?” He looked at me calmly.

“I know you are.”

I went ahead and took the book home, but just to prove him wrong. I read it, and before long I realized he was probably right.

In the story of Bev and Tom, after an argument where Bev lost her composure, she met with a professor for a lesson on neurobiology. She writes,

I wasn’t sure what neurobiology had to do with my marriage, but I was about to find out. “Brain function has a great deal to do with how we respond to real or perceived pain…Beneath the new brain lies the brain stem, or old brain. Painful memories from childhood can trigger the old brain’s fight-or-flight response.”

“You mean I’m not crazy?” I asked, heaving a huge sigh of relief, unable to hold back a floodgate of tears.

“No, you are not crazy, just reactive.”

Final Word

In Can My Marriage be Saved?, the reader is never told what to do to save their marriage; just what 44 other people did. The book drips inspiration. I challenge you to read this book, and when you’re done, close it and reread the question on the front cover. Then, answer the question yourself. 

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Thrive Boston Counseling Therapy

CCT magazine is a leading counseling therapy publication. It is subscribed to by nearly 50,000 readers. 

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Who is Michael Leahy? I’ve never heard of him. His bio says little about him. The “About Us” section of his website says nothing about him, or his organization, “BraveHearts” (is there really an organization?). While he mentions Oprah in his Bio, it’s a bit of a farce because as far as I can tell he’s never met her. I received no response to my online inquiry about him (there was no phone number listed on his website). However, after reading his book, I feel like I know him. If his book is true, he is a sex addict with a good story. 

What It Is:

This is a book that takes courage to write. Porn Nation is a story about one man’s descent into sexual addiction, and then ascent to recovery. It seems to be an honest, non-sugary account. Michael describes, in good conversational prose, how he went from seeing a naked playing card as a child (queen of hearts, I think it was), to cheating on his wife.

What It Isn’t:

Even though the book is titled Porn Nation, I would not recommend it to clients dealing with pornography addiction. I suppose the target market for this book would be Christian, married men who are finding themselves somewhere on the road toward a sexual addiction broader than pornography, and considering adultery.

Some Criticism:

The book begins by listing a number of vignettes about rape, child molestation, incest, etc.—dramatic stuff, but it doesn’t fit. Is the reader to assume that those who watch pornography, or cheat on their wives, are also child molesters? Also, the book is not about pornography addiction, as the title would suggest—it is actually about sexual addiction. This is an important distinction because persons dealing specifically with pornography use are going to be dissatisfied with the book’s focus. Moreover, regarding sexual addiction, the book does not educate the reader to the extent I would expect of a self-improvement book. For example, it does not define or differentiate between common paraphilias: exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, pedophilia, frotteurism, etc.

Mixed Online Reviews:

A look at online reviews shows that some persons love, and others are disappointed by, the book Porn Nation. Here are a few reviews borrowed from Amazon.com.

“I just finished reading a new book. Michael Leahy’s book Porn Nation is hands down the single-most compelling book I have ever read. Ever.” –Peter Cantelon

“Leahy is a good writer that captures the readers [sic] attention with the use of realistic language and humor.” –D. Speaks

 “As someone with a spouse that has a porn addiction, I did not find anything useful to help me cope with the issue.” –ComicFreak

“The only problem is that not everyone’s experience is the same as his. He assumes that we will all meet the dangerous consequences of lust because it affects all people the same way. He does not avoid sweeping generalizations and this book did not provide anything insightful or new or thoughtful.” –Southern Cali Reviewer

Deciding Factor

If you’re looking for a first person account of sexual addiction development and recovery, this is a good book. If you’re looking for help overcoming pornography addiction, or something written by someone with professional training helping persons recover from sexual addiction, you’ll be disappointed.

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• Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt someone who has hurt you.

• Forgiveness does not diminish the wrong done against you.

• Forgiveness is not a denial of what happened.

• Forgiveness does not take away the consequences the other person will face because of his or her actions.

• Forgiveness is an act and a process. Even when a person decides to forgive another person, feelings of relief or healing are usually not immediate. Forgiving someone can be difficult and uncomfortable.

• Forgiveness is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do. It breaks the hold that has been put on your life. Refusing to forgive allows the person or thing that was hurtful to you continue to hurt you.

• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not require you to become a “doormat.”

• Forgiveness does not require you to open yourself up to the offender to be hurt again.

• Forgiveness does not wait for the offender to apologize or earn forgiveness in some way.

ACTION STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. Acknowledge the Hurt

• Don’t minimize it or deny the wrong that was done against you.
• Don’t make excuses for the offender.
• Write it down. Journaling is a great way to work through anger and hurt. It organizes your thoughts and helps you acknowledge the truth as you see it in black and white. Sometimes writing a letter to the offender is helpful (this letter is usually not to be sent, but is for working through your own thoughts and feelings).

2. Identify Your Emotions

• When someone does something to hurt you, you might experience regret and anger. These emotions are not wrong, but are a normal response to an offense.
• It is important to identify how the offense made you feel and then to express it. After writing down the offense, write down how you felt when the offense happened and how you have felt since then.

3. Cancel the Debt

• Write a “blank check” of forgiveness.
• You may want to write down the offenses they have done and then write “Canceled” or “Paid in Full” over them. You may want to burn the letter you wrote expressing your grief and hurt.

4. Set Boundaries

• Decide what you need to do to protect yourself from letting this person hurt you again. For instance, if someone is offensive to you verbally, you can choose not to associate with them, or tell them that if they begin to insult you that you will not talk to them until they are willing to speak kindly.
• Don’t continue to look for approval from a person who has hurt you.

5. Make a Commitment to Forgive

• Make a personal or (if possible) public commitment to forgive the person for what they have done.
• Commit to not using the thing they have done against you as a weapon against them.
• When you have doubts about whether you “really” forgave the person, remember the commitment you made to forgive. Remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.

If you are struggling to forgive an offense that was done against you, you are not alone. Forgiving can be an extremely difficult process. The thing about unforgiveness, it will hurt you more than it hurt the person who has wronged you. Some persons have found counseling to be helpful in the process of forgiving and moving on with one’s life. Thrive Boston Counseling and Psychotherapy has Licensed Professional Counselors, Doctoral-Level expert therapists, who can help you find forgiveness, and move on with your life in a healthy, and positive way. Thrive Boston Counseling – 617-513-5433

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Other Christian counseling centers came into being during that time including Boston Christian Counseling Center, Hope Counseling, and others.

Abundant Life Counseling Center is currently in a “hibernation state” according to its Board of Director Chair Dr. Paul Bothwell. IN the near future ALCC may begin providing Christian counseling services once again, with a focus on low-income and underserved populations, which was a focus of ALCC in the early years of its establishment as a Christian Counseling Center.

Thrive Boston Christian Counseling was developed by ALCC past director Dr. Anthony Centore, after ALCC closed its doors. Continuing with the professionalism and quality Christian counseling that was provided by ALCC, Thrive Boston Christian Counseling is currently based in Cambridge between Harvard Square and Central Square, and serves persons in the greater Boston area troubled by depression, anxiety, faith issues, eating disorders, relationship problems, marital issues, divorce or separation issues, and other life issues.

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