Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Book Review)
March 12, 2009 – 1:32 pm
After Gary Chapman wrote the International Best Seller The Five Love Languages, myriad of spinoffs were published: The Five Love Languages of Children, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, The Five Love Languages for Singles, The Heart of the Five Love Languages, The Five Languages of Apology, and The Love Languages of God; not to mention what appears to be several updated revisions of the aforementioned.
Rest assured, this book barely mentions the five love languages—keeping it to a minimum of just two pages in the first chapter, two pages in the back. Done. Finished. Life moves on. Finally.
In Desperate Marriages, Chapman promotes a philosophy he refers to as “Reality Living,” of which there are six rules: (1) I am responsible for my attitude, (2) My attitude affects my actions, (3) I cannot change others, but I can influence others, (4) My emotions do NOT control my actions, (5) Admitting my imperfections does not mean I am a failure, (6) Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.
Basic Impressions:
This book is well put together. It is quality material. The reader with real marital problems and needing real information will get real information. For instance, the book speaks about divorce in chapter one—a smart move, for this is certainly on the mind of someone who is in a desperate marriage. Chapman states, “while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others.” Moreover, the book contains some good psychology (which any counselor reader will recognize as being of the CBT persuasion), and Chapman aptly references William Glasser (i.e., creator of Choice Theory/Reality Therapy). Chapman borrows Glasser’s concepts when he states every person has a need for love, freedom, significance, and peace with God (wait, what happened to power, fun, and survival?).
After a few introductory chapters, the book employs a by-topic format, each chapter coaching the reader on how to apply the six “reality living” rules to marriage with a difficult spouse. The chapters are labeled:
· The Irresponsible Spouse
· The Workaholic Spouse
· The Controlling Spouse
· The Uncommunicative Spouse
· The Verbally Abusive Spouse
· The Physically Abusive Spouse
· The Sexually Abused/Abusive Spouse
· The Unfaithful Spouse
· The Alcoholic/Drug-abusing Spouse
· The Depressed Spouse
My feeling is mixed about the by-topic format type. On one hand, there’s something for everyone; but on the other hand, at some point everyone gets left out in the cold. What I mean is, I would find it hard to recommend this book to a client without the caveat, “It’s a useful book, but a lot of these chapters won’t apply to you.”
Bottom Line
Bottom line, if you’ve been looking information on the topic of troubled marriages, give Chapman’s new book a read. It’s a good reference, and the idea of “reality living” provides a significant philosophical foundation. And stay tuned, with any luck Desperate Marriages of Children should be out by fall.
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