Getting Past Perfectionism: 3 Counseling and Life Coaching Tips
May 16, 2010 – 4:46 pm
Examples of Perfectionism
Lisa is constantly complaining to her husband about the way he parks his car, hangs his clothes, makes the bed, and even where he leaves his keys on the counter. She has her husband on pins and needles–he can’t seem to do anything right by her.
David, a high school senior, feels that his schoolwork and football skills are never good enough. Every night of the week, he studies for hours and then goes over his football plays in the backyard until long after dark. Whenever Dave earns anything less than an A, he gets a pounding headache.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism involves a feeling that anything that is less than perfect is unacceptable.
Perfectionism is rooted in the need for approval and control.
Perfectionists are often extremely harsh on themselves, and can have the belief that they should accomplish more than they do, and at a higher quality.
Perfectionists are equate failure with a lack of personal value.
Perfectionists feel that they must be the best at everything they do, and that their worth is calculated by their performance. As a result, a perfectionist’s sense of personal worth fluctuates on a daily basis.
Overcoming Perfectionism
Learn a new motto / mantra.
There are two good mottoes / mantras for the recovering perfectionist; the first is, “Progress not perfection” and the second is, “Perfection is the enemy of good enough.” Alcoholics Anonymous uses the first motto fairly regularly, as it reiterates the truth that no one is perfect, and it serves to take some pressure off one’s self to be perfect. The second motto is a truism that I first learned from a surgeon friend of mine. I was surprised he thought this way, because surgery seemed to me to be a rare exception of something one would want to get absolutely perfect. However, apparently, even with something as complicated as surgery, it is is best policy to stop an operation when the job is done. My friend explained to me that surgeons who strive for “perfection” often end up making things worse for the patient.
Can you identify any damages that occur to you, your tasks, or your life, when you make perfection mandatory?
The best friend test.
Identify specific ways that you are hard on yourself, and list any particularly high standards you keep for yourself (for example: perhaps you work out compulsively, are harsh on yourself if you overeat, are angry when you can’t complete all the tasks on your list at work). Once you have identified these areas, ask yourself “Would I want my best friend to treat him/herself this way?” If your answer is no (and it probably is), you know you are being too hard on yourself.
How can you be a better friend to yourself?
Schedule non-work hours.
For perfectionists, workaholism is almost always a symptom (it can be argued that perfectionism and workaholism are sisters). Perfectionists will work an unhealthy amount in an attempt to accomplish more, faster, better. To counter this tendency in yourself, schedule plenty of R&R time into your schedule–literally write into your schedule “Priority Task” and have that “task” be something relaxing. Note: Some people argue that scheduling recreational time is “not spontaneous,” and therefore not fun. I disagree in principle, but if that is your opinion, consider this exercise a temporary “detox” from workaholism. Once you’ve gained control over your schedule, you can start to become more spontaneous.
When will you begin scheduling R&R time?
Thrive Boston Counseling offers professional therapy and life coaching services in Cambridge and Boston, MA. Also visit our Philadelphia Counsleing, Long Island Counseling, and Atlanta Counseling, Services. Call us at 617-395-5806.
You must be logged in to post a comment.